Fa la la...

Come, sit for a while...

2012-01-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

Every Tuesday it's become a rhythm for my week (doesn't that sound nice rhythm...perhaps a frenzied circus would be more accurate as of late) to walk up Higuera Street to visit my favorite local coffee shop Kreuzberg and write. Each week as I make my way over I walk by a furniture store window and this chair beckons me.

Look at it! Doesn't it say slow down, stop, come have a seat, and rest for a while.

The curves of the wicker, the face to face design, the cup holders...everything about this chair draws me and yet terrifies me.

How I long to be invited in, asked to sit, rest, and share. To be met by interest, intrigue, insight, and most of all love. Yet the very thing that beckons me leaves me tempted to walk on by and move on to the next thing, the goal of the day, the efficiency of getting 'it' done. While that may be what distracts me, what really prevails underneath is fear....do you really want me, just me? uh, what if you get bored or disinterested? the silence, what about the silence? what do I do with those moments? worse, what comes up inside when there are no words.

Yet there is something about this chair, this well constructed chair, that says You were meant for me. I designed it this way for you. Can you see I AM what your heart craves?

I peer through the window front, much like my fictional friend Lucy from The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe, curious, a little scared, but hoping there's magic behind it. Something greater than myself beckoning me out and inviting me into a great adventure. But this adventure begins first and foremost with entering and re-forming the inner life, my heart. To know and be known, love and be loved, serve and be served.

I hear His life words, Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. I make you lie down in green pastures, lead you beside quiet waters...I restore your soul. I will never leave you, never-ever forsake you.

With His quiet words, I feel my resistance rise up, but it must come, this too part of the invitation...but you are in these other things too, they are good things you gave me. Finally the things we've talked about for years are actually happening...are you sure now is time to pull away...

I peer in at the chair. So safe, so inviting, but I've never sat so close, so locked in the gaze of another. The cost so clear, the way prepared...

Honored but conflicted.

Longing but afraid.

I continue to stare, looking in on that chair.

Being Me (mmm...and figuring out who that is?)

2012-01-10T11:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I had a blog that was about clothes, decorating, travel.

I don't.

I have tried to incorporate them. I even tried starting a whole new separate blog on decorating.

But you know what? I simply can't do it all. It's unrealistic.

I have a job. I have soul care clients. I am trying to revise a book manuscript. I have friends. I have a family.

Truthfully, I often try living in the unrealistic. I demand too much of myself (over assessment of self). Which equals trying to fit too much in (lack of margin). Which leads to rushing and not being present to L O V E, the giving and receiving.

And you know what, I think we all are on this journey of becoming and realizing who we are and who we are not. What we have room to give and what we do not. Where we should spend our time and where we shouldn't. What we can give and what we cannot. But like I said, it's a journey. One filled with valleys, peaks, wrong turns, and turnabouts. Times of spinning our wheels and times of taking back ground.

J O U R N E Y.

And there is grace for that journey though I am the first one to squeeze it out and self-righteously declare, "I should have known." Quick to get to work on me and forego leaning into His grace and the necessity of dependence and the humility it requires.

T H A N K F U L for new life, we have permission to be L E A R N E R S, students of this new life in Christ. To enjoy the liberty of having NOT arrived (nor fooling ourselves that we have or demanding others should have). The kingdom life turns it all upside down. And while my flesh rallies against it, my spirit breathes a sigh of relief and basques in it's warmth.

And so, I am learning to be me. To offer who I am and what I bring. Not you. Not what you are asked to bring. And that takes time, wrong turns, trying to be someone else and learning to come back to me...rather, the unique way Jesus dwells in me.

Join me this year in asking Jesus, "How can I let you more freely flow through me? Where do I need to create more margin and space to do that? What will I have to say NO to in order to say YES somewhere else?"

While it may require letting go of things you've wanted to be or tried to uncomfortably fit in to be, press in with me T R U S T I N G our inheritance awaits, the territory each of us is given to take will unfold, and we will encounter more than we could ask for or imagine.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. ~Ephesians 3: 20-21

Advent Week IV: Peace

2011-12-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

For all of us, the story behind these days can draw us in, and invite us to bring our lives to the mystery of how Jesus came into this world and why. Our best preparation for the Holy Night ahead and the Joyful Morning to follow is for us to reflect upon how he came. He came in the midst of scandal and conflict. He came in poverty. He was rejected before he was born. He was born in a feed trough. He was hunted down. And he grew up in obscurity.

He did not shun our world and its poverty and conflict. He embraced it. And he desires to embrace us today, in this day. Right where we are. Right where we are feeling most distant. Right were we are feeling least “religious” or “ready.” If we let him come into our hearts to be our Savior these challenging days, we will find ourselves entering the sacred night and morning of Christmas “joyful and triumphant” as never before.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come and visit your people.
We await your coming. Come, O Lord.

(reflection found here)

Lord you know my poverty of spirit. You know the lowliest, dung filled, restless parts of me. Yet you come....you live...you dwell.

You ask me to b e l i e v e. To trust your good heart and intentions. This time of year is filled with great reflection: what was, what could have been, disappointments, hope deferred, graces given, unexpected gifts. That you come, into the messiness of it all and offer p e a c e a m a z e s.

Lord this morning you spoke through your Word about Zachariah and Elizabeth. How they had waited and hoped for a child. You said they were faithful and you gave them a promise. I stare up at the art piece I did so many years ago about that promise...in the tender, angst filled place of singleness and unrequited love you had me paint.

Stroke by stroke, layer upon layer...

B E L I E V E.

To believe in your kindness, goodness, and faithfulness in spite of my circumstance.

And I guess that's the thing about faith and hope Lord, especially this time of year, regardless of the IS of my life you ask me to believe in your unfailing goodness, in your fullness of time, in the things I do not see, and
T R U S T. Child or no child. Husband or no husband. Money or no money. You came to dwell, you came to give your life, you came to reveal the kingdom now, you came that I might have life, in spite of the world, my flesh, the enemy...IMMANUEL GOD WITH US!

So come dear Jesus, in the tender, uncertain places and crevasses of my heart and L I V E. Offer your P E A C E.

It is only in you that I can enter that P E A CE within.

Advent Week III: Rejoice

2011-12-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

We prepare this week by feeling the joy. We move through this week feeling a part of the waiting world that rejoices because our longing has prepared us to believe the reign of God is close at hand. And so we consciously ask:

Prepare our hearts
and remove the sadness
that hinders us from feeling
the joy and hope
which his presence
will bestow.

Each morning this week, in that brief moment we are becoming accustomed to, we want to light a third inner candle. Three candles, going from expectation, to longing, to joy. They represent our inner preparation, or inner perspective. In this world of “conflict and division,” “greed and lust for power,” we begin each day this week with a sense of liberating joy. Perhaps we can pause, breathe deeply and say,

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,
my spirit rejoices in God my savior.”

(reflection from here)

I read this this morning needing some guidance into the week. There is something about the Christmas season that expands my heart and I find myself longing for all sorts of things: new memories, community, a boyfriend, children, more ministry opportunities, travel, new experiences, play, presents, affirmation of importance in people's lives...

I long...

I thirst....

I don't often know what to do with desire for more in my life. I rejoice in what has been given but yet still there is a place that longs for so much more.

So I read: Scripture, Devotionals, Meditations like these to settle my heart in. The desire I have is not the problem (for years I thought it was and chose shutting down instead). Rather, it's where I take the desire and into whose hand I place it.

This week we R E J O I C E! My heart is expanding, being prepared, and oening up to J O Y. The reason I rejoice is not that all the longings will be fulfilled, but they are what point my heart H O M E. They are the honing device that draws my spirit back to Christ. There as I settle in to His presence, his dwelling within me, He puts my heart right.

He affirms the longing (which most the time I'm expecting rebuke if I'm honest cause shouldn't I be fully satisfied in him?) but He also reminds me of the incompleteness of those things. Deep satisfaction and grace to go forth in my life to love can only happen if I stay fiercely committed to betrothal in Him.

In him, I am free to give myself over for the sake of another, find beauty and joy in the mundane, hope for a greater tomorrow, and rest in what's provided now. The longings don't go, but they draw me back to the Source of Life. So when a longing is fulfilled, when H O P E is no longer deferred, the hands that receive the gift are better able to enjoy it as a gift rather than entitlement.

And so we rejoice....anticipate together....and find J O Y. Christ is coming, to the lowly manger of our conflicted hearts, to bring new life.
I N C A R N A T I O N...in you and I. Amazing!

Advent Week II: Prepare

2011-12-05T23:10:00.000-08:00

"Preparation is a statement of faith. It's committing to trust even though you're hurting and heartsick."

I'm heartsick because I know the kingdom is now but the challenges and heartache in this world of brokeness and sin are real. I am homesick. We are homesick.

I read this tonight in an online post about this week of advent. A time when we are invited to reflect on preparation, preparing our hearts for the coming Messiah. This the same day my daily Bible reading, Hebrews 11, points to the saints before me reminding me of trusting when I do not see. Trust like Abraham who "by faith, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." (Hebrews 11:8).
How true this feels. How often are You, O Lord, asking me to walk into the unknown. So many unchartered places of my heart and relational territory you ask me to tenderly trust you with when I do not know what's ahead only that by faith you ask me to walk.

My heart expanded as I read more thinking of the lineage of faithful and I was struck that, "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them from a distance." (Hebrews 11:13)
How often my heart expands to hope and delights in the tastes I have here of heaven, but forgive me dear Jesus when I cling too tightly to what I've touched and don't place it back in your hands. May I trust that what you give me from your hand moment by moment, day by day is enough. That the various ways you choose to uniquely expand my heart to love will ever keep me living by faith trusting in the Giver, the One who sees what I often do not.

There's something about this lineage of saints that draws my heart upward, invites me into a much grander, vast narrative for my life. That the themes in my life and various territory my heart must venture are preparing for me an eternal glory I can hardly grasp. By faith some of it will be ventured now, yet much, much more is intended to be fully realized later.
Lord will I trust in what you give me now and venture where you ask me to go? Or will I distrust the way you bring about your promises and clamor to find what I deem a safer path? That I may choose faith....

And so this week of Advent, I am pressing in to the One who prepares the way, who tells the best story, who calls forth hope, cultivates my heart through patience and steps of obedience, and beckons me to trust in His fullness of time, the sovereign and majestic ways He chooses to get glory from my life deciding the where, whens, and whys.
O dear Jesus, when I don't see, when my heart waits, when your voice seems faint, when I'm tempted to doubt, will you yet still draw me near? How in need I am of your touch, how much more of your grace. Lord I pray that one day it will be said, "That because of Christ, in faith, Susie, when God tested her, walked with her Savior and was sure of what she hoped for and certain of what she did not see, trusting that God had planned something better so that only together with all the saints would she be made perfect."

Pitter Pat, Pitter Pat

2011-11-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

It has just started raining here.

I knew it was coming and, yet, the pitter pat outside my window still hits me with unexpected delight.

Perhaps, it's the contentment of cozying up in bed with a day that has margin and room to unfold, that I feel it's peace. Knowing cleansing and renewal is happening and in the midst I can simply rest in it.

Aware of what is happening just outside my door yet unencumbered with any sort of responsibility. I simply get to observe, hear, and enjoy the drip drops of the water's life flowing down. Doing it's work and moistening, replenishing the parched land.

Drip, drop. Drip, drop.

This morning Clare of Assisi reminds me of the healing waters. She was ill and confined to a bed for 29 years yet what great influence and poverty of spirit she offered to so many in spite of her circumstance. Her Savior still moved and worked and filled and invited her to noble purposes. Water poured inward and Life flowing outward.

Pitter pat. Pitter pat.

Today, reading, writing, remembering... I am invited to trust the cleansing and replenishing that is happening. I, like the parched land, receive the gift that renewal is happening even when I only sense it, am not working or striving towards it, but am simply letting it wash over me, freely given.

Drip, drop. Drip drop. Pitter pat. Pitter pat.

"Whoever b e l i e v e s in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of l i v i n g
w a t e r will flow from within them.” John 7:38

Little by Little

2011-11-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

When I was thirteen I went to a junior high school dance. This event was a big deal: It was HALLOWEEN.

For the Shaw Family, Halloween is no small occasion. Much to my mum's chagrin her kids never were simpletons when it came to dressing up. This particular year, I decided I would be Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Now the dress itself I found in my closet, but the shoes... The glitter shoes at the Paylesses of the world would simply not do, the shoes must be the creme de la resistance!

Thus, we gathered glue and sequins from the local craft store, pulled out my old pair of tap shoes, and the journey of 1000 sequins began. One by one by one....day by day after school I plopped myself on the couch and the glitter party began.

And eventually, after much perseverance and persistence, they were finished!

I braided my hair, put on my dress, applied a smidge of rouge and lipstick, and stepped into my sparkling delights.

I met up with my friends at Lakeview Junior High and we danced the night away. With every roger rabbit and running man (: little by little the glittering wonders began to fall, one by one by one....

The dance ended and the ruby slippers were no more.

But what a great memory and, oh, how I loved those ruby slippers. Then it hit me....as the dress came off and the make-up was wiped away... there were no pictures!? No memento to capture the journey of the slippers.

Halloweens came and went. Year after year, I found other fun characters to play dress up in. But....but there was something about those slippers...

I think little by little throughout my adolescent and young adult years I tried to reapply those sequins in vain. Sparkling parts of myself that felt like they'd fallen off or my circumstances seemed to tell me they had. Not sure when, or how, or why exactly only that something lost its glimmer along the way.

But I'm realizing more and more the parts I thought were the most sparkling parts about me were a false luster. Artificial. The closer you got the faker you saw it was. So I'd keep you at a distance so you wouldn't see what I saw deep down.

But here's the thing, once the sequins fall (and oh how they have fallen), all you see is what's bare, underneath. And that's when the magic begins to happen.

So, this year when Halloween neared the slippers beckoned.

Only this time, the young girl who for years only wanted to be pretty characters felt permission to be ugly, wonderfully wicked, and have some fun.

The magic of restoration, reconstruction, redemption. That little by little, in the everyday moments of my life, there are possibilities. The small and not so small things are being transformed with the hope of redemption. That I get to participate in a life that doesn't settle for the artificial but trusts that the good and genuine can happen, is happening, even when the sparkle feels like its lost her luster.

God is good and He is the creator of all good things. I don't need to offer just a pretty package anymore. The magic of the slippers is that I come just as I am, bare, and the One whom I've given the ugly parts of myself to readorns.

He, little by little, day by day, is sealing on me a glory and splendor not of this world. A sheen, like the slippers, that glimmers and shines pointing others to the way home.

The Beauty of Becoming...

2011-10-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

I love this word becoming.

Perhaps because it gives me permission to be in a process. As a recovering "get it right, put together gal" I hear the gospel life all over that word.

We are being made new each day...B E C O M I N G.

Being asked to die to things that we used to cling to for life...B E C O M I N G.

Walking in faith, in the unknown that beckons us to trust and choose hope moment by moment...B E C O M I N G.

Looking away from the false images, constructed selves we use to prance around as and looking towards the gaze of Christ the only one reliable and authoritative to tell us our true beauty and worth...B E C O M I N G.

Learning to admit our faults and shortcomings to God's people and own our wrong when we've wounded a friend...B E C O M I N G.

Not taking ourselves too seriously and settling in to laughing, playing, silliness, and jest...B E C O M I N G.

How beautiful it is to be in the presence of a saint who flutters about freely, settled in to the new life of becoming in Christ, and letting the Spirit teach her to soar. B E A U T I F U L !

How are you settling into the beauty of becoming?

Girl at the Mirror

2011-10-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

There is a Norman Rockwell painting called “Girl at the Mirror” A girl, no more than 12 stares into a mirror with a magazine laid perched upon her lap, an Old Hollywood starlet flaps open. There she sits, on her little stool, staring quizzically at her reflection. Her doll, now an afterthought, lays crumpled against the mirrors edge. Red lipstick, a brush and comb, and some jewelry lay scattered about the floor. Her tender face says it all, so vulnerable and uncertain, “Am I ok? Do you like what you see? Will it be enough to hold your attention?” When I look at her, I see my face, my questions, my uncertainties about what it all means to transition from who I once thought I was into this new woman Christ is making me to be

My internal uncertainty has been around as long as I can remember. How many times have I stared into that mirror and asked?

My little eight year old frame makes her way into the bathroom, gently closing the door and locking it behind her. oh how i loved to play dress up, experiment with make up and try perfume cocktails of various kinds. the bathroom held a plethora of beautification possibilities. my secret space where i could stare, create, and recreate me. i don’t know what it was about the power of a hairbrush and pony tail ring but somehow it seemed in my little mind the key opening a world of transformation possibilities of transformation. but this day my partially wavy, partially straight hair won’t do anything. Scowling, I yank open the drawer fumbling around trying to find my bristly round brush (the one like moms). I try it again. And again. Why can’t I get it to look the way I want? Yank, yank, tug, tug. The tears start to come. Determination sets in: This will work! Pull. Tug. More tears and anger rise up. Why can’t I make this work? My little fingers begin to pull and yank again this time attempting to untie the pony tail ring that has become a tangled mess. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can’t I get this right? I’ve had it. I’ve failed. And I want this whole fiasco to be over. I fumble around the drawer and find them. My answer. My little fingers tuck into the holes and begin to cut. snip. snip. a locket of my hair falls to the floor.

Defeat.

Trying so hard to make it right.

At eight.

Eight?

Even now, almost thirty years later, I stare into my reflection from the window. Watching cars go by one by one, anguish sets in, as I stare avoiding the computer keys in front of me. What do I possibly have to say to you that matters? How is this even interesting?

Yank, yank.

Tug. tug.

Will I ever get there? Who is this woman in the window staring back at me? I cannot begin to talk about authenticity unless I’m willing to face myself. But how can I ever do this when there’s been years of hatred, judgement, and contempt. Nice veneer, covering over a tangled mess. tugging and yanking, Unless I look into the mirror of his response........

Who's reflection am I looking at to tell me my worth? (confession)

How would things shift I were to look in the reflection of my Savior's response? (contemplation)

What does he say? (scripture, listening prayer)

Little Butterfly

2011-10-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

Along with the wondrous favors God bestows on the soul comes this terrible, beautiful torment: She is filled with longing to unendingly drink of the One who gives these blessings. She yearns to die. Everything she sees in this life finds some relief in solitude, but the torment always comes back. And yet, without this pain, the soul feels as if something vital were missing. And so, our little butterfly cannot find any lasting rest. Oh poor little butterfly, bound by so many chains that keep you from flying free wherever you want to go! Have mercy on her, My God. Let her do something toward fulfilling her desires for your honor and glory…But do not feel sorry for this little butterfly. Reinforced by your strength, she can endure any trial. In fact, she is determined to suffer everything for you. Extend your mighty arm, Lord, so that this soul does not have to waste her life in unholy ways. Manifest your greatness in this simple, feminine creature, so that all may see that this is not hers but yours and be moved to give you praise.”

--Teresa of Avila, The Interior Castle

God Reality is Good (but hard)

2011-10-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

I wrestle.
God is good. He is good all the time. All the time He is good.
I sing about this in church, pray it with others, yet I wrestle.

I feel like there has been weeks of soaring--high in the sky being carried by His wings. Then, there are days, sometimes weeks, where it feels like I fell off.
If I'm honest more like I was dropped.

My heart starts to feel disrupted and confused as h o p e expands and gets bigger and bigger and then
P O P, the circumstance or unfolding reality goes topsy turvy.

My faith....wains.
And I wonder, where did I go? The girl who just days ago was in awe of God's kindness, involvement, and care? And it's hard. Harder than I ever thought cause I don't like what I'm seeing. And I don't like what I think He may be asking.

It is then that I see.
See where my faith wandered and what I started to trust in.
An outcome I wanted.
A result that didn't come to fruition.
New territory I'm asked to walk in a very old struggle and it all feels too much.

And it is here, here, that He beckons, "Will you trust me? Trust me even here, yet again, that I am good. Will you trust I am guiding your heart to the Promiseland, and it is good. Good in a Kingdom way you have yet to understand?"

And you know what? I want to understand it all, have answers, and then step. But Jesus never let's me figure it all out. He asks for my heart, not my cerebral, conceptual head. Faith always requires stepping, then more unfolding, then stepping again. Trusting the goodness of His life is somehow redeeming and transforming mine at each bend and new step.

God reality. Seeing with e y e s W I D E o p e n. No longer hiding. No longer pretending. Stepping into the unknown and trusting (rather learning to trust) in the depths...

GOD IS GOOD. He is good all the time. All the time He is good.

Just Do It.

2011-10-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

Just do it.

Nike had something here.

I have been on a blog hiatus for quite some time and I know it's time to come back. ~~(I worry about this though and it keeps me from writing).~~

Since we last left off, I had become a legit career gal and lived a mover-and-shaker life in customer service and sales working for a national medical corporation (who knew?). Eleven months later, I left my mover-and-shaker position and took a giant
L
E
A
P
of faith.
(well more like baby steps, little by little, until the door opened enough to walk through to the next door and the next).

I now know what it's like to be an 8 to 5'er, do expense reports, weekly sales reports, host inservices and "make the sale." But you know what? My heart was dead doing it. Don't get me wrong, I loved the people, but at the end of the day my heart just wasn't in what I was selling. I wanted to tell more God stories, hear more God stories, write more God stories. And guess what? He prepared the way...

Part-time job. Check.
Book editor. Check.
Soul care clients. Check.
Community to stand with me. Check.

Life is funny. You never know what's around the bend? But I find in the midst of daily life, God's purposes are going forth. He is moving, directing, guiding...the thing of it is though (and oh how very aware this job made me) the everyday grind and energy that moves us often has very little of His Spirit present.

I shut out the very One I'm longing for...Christ's life inside me and around me.

Each day for work as I made my way up the Cuesta Grade in my car I tried to focus my heart on God: pray, worship, reflect, but inevitably my "get 'er done, efficiency is supreme" side began to rule out the kingdom space I was trying to make room for. The flesh goes against the spirit. The spirit of this world is active and real, colluding with my old nature to steal His life in me.

Never, than in this job position, had I been so aware of what I'm up against. Daily life in this world threatens to steal the LIFE of God in me. And God knows I need LIFE!

So I'm inviting you to ask the same questions I'm asking myself:

Will I risk believing there is more to LIFE than the daily grind?

Will I be the one who moves in a different direction than the many?

The one who doesn't race off to the next thing and stops to listen?

The one who drives slower present to her surroundings rather than frazzled and furious darting in and out muttering, "Drive people!"

So I wonder? Now that I've created more room to be still, be present, be creative, be available...will I be? I want to be. Need to be. But will I choose it? Believe there's a new life and way available to me in the everyday. That the spirit of this world, the flesh, and the enemy no longer get the final say. Will I slow down to even stop, recognize, and see the LIFE available? Stop to pause and reflect, confess, and realign myself with Christ and His Kingdom?

I don't know. (It's the truth).

But I want to be.

Jesus I need more. Shepherd me into this new life you felt worth dying for? Please don't let me settle. Teach me to anticipate, trust, and depend on Your involvement. Come Lord. Come.
Amen.

Blog Break

2011-09-03T11:54:00.001-07:00

Blog Hiatus in session.

I will be back.

Good things brewing.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-13T20:36:00.000-08:00

L O V E.

It shows up in unexpected places.

Happy Valentine's Day.

7.25 in 2010

2011-02-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

In the singleton community we are drawing near that infamous time of year ...V DAY.

Yep.

It's near. And honestly I am feeling okay about it.

Thus, I think it time to invite my readers into the exciting, but not so eventful, dating life of yours truly.

2010 started off with a bang! New Years resolutions abounded and I harkened into the year "I will take more risks!" Risks with writing, in friendships, in ministry, and in my non-existent dating life. I resolved that 2010 would be the year of 12 dates. A date a month and if a date was missed I would try to make it up in the forthcoming months.

December 31st 2010= 7.25

Yep, 7.25 dates in 2010.

That's a 75% attrition from last year ( :

It started off "putting myself out there." As in, making room for someone and putting my feelers out there. I asked a handful of friends in different networks of people to help with my venture and if anyone interesting, not necessarily Romeo but a good guy, came to mind then to try to connect us. It started off with a lot of encouragement, a few connections, but not a whole lot panning out.

I even decided to revisit that infamous website known to create harmony in peoples dating lives (this was no small miracle!). Sadly it only ended up wreaking more havoc and hours of note writing in my day-to-day life to no avail (whatever happened to the simple meet and greet...the endless emails and calls? I'm over it...well for now).

Then a set-up happened that was unexpected. A few more dates with him ensued. It was really nice to "date."

Then a friend with potential reemerged and another few outings came my way. (He remains a friend but the potential seems to have died).

Then a Starbucks customer developed a barista crush on me and another "am I really doing this?" night ensued.

Then came .25 (yea, I know you've been wondering). Another friend was exploring this harmonious internet dating world and thought her date a better match for me than her. I came to "hang out" with them over a casual lunch. And while nothing came of it, dang was that guy hot ( : (I'm just sayin').

So what am I to make of 7.25 in 2010?

I don't know? I'm just really glad I risked something. And while it didn't lead to Prince Charming it did put me in the presence of some good guys. I am better for their company.

So whatever your circumstance singletons of this bloggership, let's take some risks in 2011! It may look different for you then me (perhaps it's choosing to stay single for a year, putting yourself more out there with that "friend with potential," or simply understanding more deeply your Belovedness in Christ... which by the way is no simple task.)

Here's to celebrating H O P E. BEAUTY. THE OFFERING OF YOUR LIFE. Trusting that HE sees, and perhaps one day someone else will be invited to share in this life with delightful you!

Come Away with Me

2011-01-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

I have just finished checking my email, paying my bills, lookin' in on facebook statuses for the day and know it is time...time for you....

What to write about?

Pandora plays in the background. (ah yes, wonderfully glorious, ever-so mood setting my "Joshua Radin" station).

There she is Norah.

Jones.

And the short lyrics say it all, "Come away with me."

Though when I hear those words it's not Norah singing.

It brings me back to a sacred and broken time in my life when a significant friendship was turned upside-down, a move was in the makings for work, and I was excited and unsettled all at the same time about the prospects.

Both the friend situation and the move brought up my struggle to cling to what is known rather than trust in the unknown and the One who guides and directs my days...for good.

I didn't like it. It pulled up all the stuff I liked to keep undercover (anger, fear. neediness, jealousy...)

And there, in the midst of the yuck were not hers but His words, "Come away with Me..."

Like somehow he was enough for all those places in me. He saw. All of it. More of it than I am even capable of taking in. And in spite of it or perhaps because of it longed for me all the more. To meet me in my place of _______ (fill in the blank) and love me there, right there, in those unsettled places.

Doesn't it seem too good?

Which is why it takes a long time (a very long time) for this little heart to take hold of that kind of love.

So every time I hear that song, in whatever state my heart may be in, I enjoy Norah for a bit but my heart jumps to the real voice of love and I think, "Really? Really? You still long for me to come away with You?"

Jesus.

What a kind. Generous. Persistent. Friend.

Listen for him. He shows up in the most unexpected places.

Sharing the J O Y !

2011-01-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

You see that lovely face and that giddy beyond measure smile? That's one of my best friends Lindsay, who I affectionately call my Lindsay Lou.

She got engaged Sunday night to a very special young man, Kyle.

And to say I'm ecstatic for her is an understatement.

See, Linds and I met when she was a junior at University of Arizona,a young Christian turning her life back to Jesus. I was a new staff girl with Campus Crusade and, in many ways, learning what it meant to be a Christian all over again. It started out as a mentoring relationship and evolved into a friendship.

But somehow the word friendship seems inadequate to carry the weight of what we've shared together over the years...

Sisterhood

   Companions on the journey

   Warriors for each others hearts

   Intercessors

   Kindred spirits

   Teachers

   Best friends

There's something about walking out life over the years and being able to look back at the seasons and go "Yea, remember when..." or " You used to...but now..." or "I think you struggle with this because of this..." or "You know how in your story... well I feel this from you, wanna talk about it?"

It is SO rare...and I feel blessed, BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE that I have been gifted a friend like her. It's been hard won at times but so, so worth the journey we've forged.

And so when a day as special as this happens for someone do dear, it's as if the joy is my own. I get a little taste of what Jesus is trying to get across through his life...your life is not your own. Life is better shared. Give your life, share your life, offer you life...and you will know me and my kingdom.

Thank you Jesus, that for every special relationship, friendship, and marriage were drawn to we are getting a sacred peek at what we were created to share in... L O V E .

Book Ended in 2010

2010-12-31T13:00:00.000-08:00

It is December 31st, one day before the New Year.

A time to remember.

Maybe try to forget.

I think a little of both.

A duplicitous time (and I think I am not alone).

Last year recovering from my back injury, I stumbled upon a book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I finished it in a few days. It helped lift me out of circumstance and pain to the greater story being written through the pages of my life.

I didn't know what lay ahead, I only knew his words lifted me up and renewed hope allowing it to expand within...

Inhale,
   big breathe outward....

   THE BALLOON OF H O P E GROWS.

Dreams were allowed room to stretch out, expand their horizons, and take a few more steps forward.

Desires seemed right there for the taking while at the same time just beyond reach.

Steps into new territory taken, yet the outcome quite different from the expectation.

Like I said, duplicitous.

And maybe I need to nestle into that reality (maybe we all do). Realizing it is all happening at the same time. the both/and, the IS. And in the midst something beautiful, mysterious, good IS happening but from a realm and a kingdom we have yet to understand.

This morning I lingered in bed well past eleven o'clock flipping through the pages of Anne Jackson's Permission to Speak Freely and once again I'm disrupted...

Reminded.

Renewed.

Another traveler willing to share deeply from within the pages being written in her story. And somehow, and in some mystical way, it gives me permission to live mine more fully and step into it with deeper faith.

And I am grateful.

Grateful for those who have had the courage to tell their stories and prodded me to more fully live in mine.

Inhale.....

   Deep Breathe.....

   Whhhhhhhhhoooooooooosssssshhhhhhhhh........

H O P E.

   F A I T H.

   E X P AN D I N G.

I don't now how God has book ended your year? Whether it's been an author's words, a relationship, an unexpected heartache, the fruition of a long sought after dream...I'm trusting with you (and for me) that something beautiful is unfolding (even, and perhaps most especially when we don't see it).

Hello 2011, we welcome you!

Fa La La Festivities! (reported by sista' Lisa)

2010-12-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

My sister captured the essence of our time perfectly here.

I would add: I loved it but showed up to work Monday like a mack truck hit me...I am still recovering! ~(o:

p.s. by the way the over-the-top pics of sister and bro-in-law are ridiculous with the glasses and meant to be just that! I took the pics and laughed and laughed saying, "See you are now that L.A. family!"

FA LA LA...

2010-12-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

FA...LA...LA....I told you it's my favorite little phrase and I proudly use it 365 days a year! But it gets most it's notoriety this time of year. A time when I, the loan fa la la'er, get to welcome you to my world ( :

Well, how's your "fa la la" season going so far?

Pandora is frozen on my "Bing Crosby Christmas" station. (and it's a welcome delight when Charlie Brown's Christmas theme song comes on, who cannot wiggle in their chair?)

White lights have ambushed my home.

A gingerbread candle fills up the air (sadly no home baked goods to match...that is, until this weekend).

I've had hot chocolate with whipped cream almost every night this week.

And the weather forecast calls for rain...and lot's of it!

All this to say, I am giddy inside-- lit up from within.

And while all those little aforementioned things are helping create this fa, la, la magic, I think it's more because I've created some space to make room for His life. Songs, prayers, devotionals, all helping prepare the way for my heart.

When Jesus came, there was no room at the inn. The king of kings and yet no room? A lowly manger and a messy birth. And what stuns me more and more every year is that not much has changed. Jesus today chooses to make his dwelling place, yet still, a messy place...our hearts. But what's more beautiful is that His life has made this possible!

The new manger, our hearts and lives.

So this time of year I am thankful that he has chosen to "deck the halls" of our hearts. But it still requires one thing...will we make room?

Hi...Again.

2010-12-09T21:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about life. It's rhythms. It's ways.

But sometimes I think we need to go away in order to come back.

Not necessarily physically but a part of us needs to go away.

Maybe like a bear that has to hibernate each year. I'm not sure what it is about bears that they have to go away, but they do. And I imagine after a much needed long rest from their adventures, excitement, and woes of the forrest, they reemerge just as strong and fierce as ever. Perhaps even more so.

So I went away and...

ROAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!

This sista' bear is back. (smile)

It was good to go away. I needed it. And it wasn't just my blog and social media stuff that seemed to nestle asleep in a quiet cave. I think there was a part of me that went away for a bit. A part that felt stuck and just plain dormant.

I've heard that, you know. That sometimes when something becomes too important or just plain blocked, we often need to step totally away from it. Go live and play and work and immerse ourself in other things and ironically it is then that the thing that was so important, too important, suddenly becomes a lot more simple. Then, (and perhaps only then) we can return to it.

Released.

And able to really give.

Freely.

And so I'm back.

Hi, again.

A Break

2010-10-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well if you haven't noticed I've taking a little break from blogging. Not really planned it just sorta happened.

Kinda like life sorta happens.

And changes happen.

And tides move in and then move out.

One day the sun is covered by clouds and the next beaming with light!

Nothing stays the same.

And that's ok.

So I don't know what will unfold, how long this break will remain.

But I trust life is happening.

Colors are being painted on the canvases of my life and yours.

Beauty is being birthed in rather unexpected places.

Whether it comes in the written word, kind gestures, or silent moments L I F E is happening, N O W.

Share it, enjoy it, love it.

I'll be back when the time is right.

Much love. Life is good. (His life in us, even better).

Yes, it is Wednesday.

2010-09-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

This has nothing to do with anything but isn't my niece just adorable?!
Ok, maybe we can tie it into God's surprises and the joy that comes with trust...but I'm stretching.
I just wanted you to enjoy her as well!

Yes it is Wednesday and I have not posted a thing.

A thing!

So I will post someone else's thing...ta-dah!

Enjoy! (from my friend Ben who got it from author and counselor Paul Tripp).

When you scan the biblical story you can’t help concluding that following God brings a life of surprises. Whatever plans God’s people made and however they tried to figure out God’s plans, they were constantly greeted with surprises. They faced turns in the story that they never would have anticipated. God’s plan again and again included things that would not have been included in the story if his people had been doing the planning.

One of the reasons for this is that we human beings tend to focus on outcomes. We simply want things to go well and turn out right. God surely does care about the end of all things, but he is graciously at work in the process as well.

The surprises along the way are God’s surprises. He is never caught off guard or unprepared. He calls us to follow him beyond the boundaries of our wisdom, strength and character. The waiting we have to do and the surprises that we face are meant by him to be tools of grace. They are designed to release us from our self-reliance and the hold our dreams for our lives have on us.

In those moments of surprise, it is important to remember that you may be confused, but God isn’t. In this moment when you are not sure what is going on, you haven’t been abandoned. No, the opposite is true: you are being rescued. But living this way is hard for us.

As pseudo-sovereigns, we hate waiting, disappointment, obstacles, and failure. We struggle to accept the fact that these things exist in a world that is under the wisest and most benevolent rule possible. C. S. Lewis comments that a hardy belief in the truths of Christianity actually makes your experience of pain more painful. It is bad enough to have to endure pain, but as a believer you must say that it was not an accident and that it was sent by a God who declares himself to be good!

To us, often God's order looks like disorder, and his wisdom looks like foolishness. God's lovingkindness often seems to be anything but loving, and definitely not kind. All of this has to do with one humbling thing that we all have to admit: as sinners, we want our own way. We want life to work according to our plan. We don’t want to have to face the unexpected or deal with disappointment. We want life to be smooth and predictable. And we want all of this because we are more concerned about our comfort and ease than we are about the processes of grace that are at work in us.

It is hard to rest in the rulership of the King when our hearts and minds are so preoccupied with the success of our own little kingdoms.

Life surprises us with the reality of who is king and how different his will and way are from ours. We have lived day after day, month after month and year after year in the world of our needs, our wants, and our dreams. We have nurtured the illusion that if God really does love us, he will give the things that we have determined are good to us.

We have convinced ourselves that if we obey, God will keep his part of the bargain and send “the good life” our way. We thought that if we parented well, then all of our children would turn out the way we hoped. We thought that if we worked faithfully then we would harvest the seeds of our investments in our later years. We thought that if we kept our bodies under subjection then the Lord would bless us with good health. We thought that if we followed the Lord in personal devotion and public worship and ministry, then our lives would be spiritually rich.

Remember, you are not alone, God's people have always struggled with the shock of his rule. The kingdom of darkness is being destroyed by the kingdom of light, and none of us can escape being affected by the carnage.

Deep beneath every struggle of doubt and confusion is a collision of kingdoms. The theology of God’s unshakable sovereignty is easier to verbalize than it is to live. The truth that a God of relentless grace is after the total transformation of our hearts, is easier to conceptualize than it is to rest in at street level.

Require yourself to be brutally honest in this moment. What is it that you really want out of life? What is it that you want from God’s hand? What is the true dream for which you have been working? What are the joys that captivate your eyes and control your heart? What is your, "If I only had , then I would be happy?"

How much have your dreams been personal, earthbound, physical, and here-and-now? Have you been motivated by your kingdom more than God's Kingdom? How is your present discouragement, disappointment, confusion or grief a window on what has actually captured your heart? Have you really wanted God to be your wise and loving Father who brings into your life what he considers best, or have you wanted him to be a divine waiter, the all-powerful deliverer of your dreams?

Could it be that you have prayed for grace, but that you don’t really like the grace that you have been given? Divine grace doesn’t always make your life simple or your pathway clear. God’s grace doesn’t always provide you with release or relief. God’s grace often brings you hardship, confusion, and surprises. These things are sent to you, not by a God who is messing with you because he’s more powerful than you, but from the hand of a God a glorious grace, who is exercising his power for the purpose of your transformation.

So, the next time God surprises you, don’t doubt his goodness, faithfulness, and love. No, lift your hands to the heavens and celebrate. You are being rescued. You are being loved. You are being delivered. You are being transformed. And be thankful that since nothing can separate you from his love, there are more gracious surprises to come!

Friday Arts: You've Got Mail

2010-09-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

I love You've Got Mail's protagonist, Kathleen Kelly. Always have and always will.

Every year, right around that end-of-summer going into fall time I have my inaugural You've Got Mail viewing.

Last weekend was no different.

Is it the enchanting Shop Around the Corner? Little Kathleen and her mama twirling about? The protagonist's quandary of losing her shop only for new dreams to be birthed? Is it the budding romance and build up until the very end?

I don't know.

I just know I love it!

(And so should you).

So go sharpen some pencil's and make your bouquet!

Inaugurate this summer's going into fall season with a weekend showing of You've Got Mail. You won't be disappointed!

Another Day in Paradise

2010-09-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

Working at Starbucks I get to hear a lot of folks small talk about life. Often, rather very often, the conversation goes something like this:

"Good Morning! How are you today?"

"Can't complain just another day in paradise."

"I know we are so blessed aren't we?"

"Beautiful day again."

"Sure is!"

Another day in paradise.

Truly the Central Coast in beautiful. Just last weekend I visited Montana de Oro and was stunned by the jagged shale rocks and fierce water jolting up against them. Breathtaking!

Yet...my heart often does a double-take when I hear that phrase, another day in paradise.

Is it?

I'm challenged by this...

So often we as humans take comfort in nice things--beautiful places, pleasantries with people, securities from job & home. But often this means attaching to things in a way that damages our soul. Taking too much comfort in a place, a person, financial security, a way of life and we miss the true treasures Jesus taught about because we're too busy trying to secure life for ourselves.

I am soooo guilty of this.

Jesus says our striving, our comforts, our demands that life work and be easy, this steals from the very life He wants to offer us.

I am not saying there aren't great blessings, vast beauty, and abundant life here and now, rather that we need to regularly check-in internally at the subtleties in our heart. We must pay attention when we are not willing to let something go or we are unwilling to look at reality square in the face because the blind eye is safer.

"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life." (Mark 10:29-30)

Now Jesus isn't saying any of these things in and of themselves are bad, rather he is illuminating our attachments and fear of giving things up. Which exposes where our hearts truly think life is found.

Jesus longs to be the center of our life, whatever the cost (and there will be costs). But He also says in counting the costs, in letting these attachments go, we will receive a blessing way beyond those things--something eternal.

Jesus knows a way far superior to ours, the way of life with God. And He says, "Come follow."

But will we? Will I?

So I pose to you and just as certainly to me this question...are we willing to see beyond "another day in paradise" and look for true treasures in this life?

p.s. The lyrics of a song by Phil Collins did a great job of capturing this reality. Will we open our eyes and truly see?

She calls out to the man on the street
“Sir, can you help me?
It’s cold and I’ve nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me?”
He walks on, doesn’t look back
He pretends he can’t hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there

Oh
Think twice
‘Cause it’s another day for you and me in paradise
Oh
Think twice
‘Cause it’s another day for you
You and me in paradise
(Do think about it)

She calls out to the man on the street
He can see she’s been crying
She’s got blisters on the soles of her feet
She can’t walk but she’s trying

Oh
Think twice
‘Cause it’s another day for you and me in paradise
Oh
Think twice
It’s just another day for you
You and me in paradise

Just think about it

Oh lord!
Is there nothing more anybody can do?
Oh-oh whoa lord!
There must be something you can say
You can tell from the lines on her face
You can see that she’s been there
Probably been moved on from every place
Cause she didn’t fit in there

Oh
Think twice
‘Cause it’s another day for you and me in paradise
Oh
Think twice
It’s just another day for you
You and me in paradise

Inspiration...NOW!

2010-09-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here staring at this screen in angst, "I need to write a blog!" It's mid-week already and no blog!

Com' mon, com' mon something...

Hmmm....

Thinking, thinking.

(10 minute web browsing interlude).

Nothing. I got nothing.

(Facebook updates, check.)

Nothing.

I need something. What is there possibly to say?

My mind wanders to just three hours earlier, sitting on a bench at Mitchell Park having the same same kind of moment with God. "Lord, here we are again...where is this going? What do you have? Guide me into what's ahead."

Wait for it...

Nothing.

Nothing?

No answer?

I want inspiration...and I WANT IT NOW!

I feel like a 3 year old huffing, pouting, with arms crossed "God, what is this all about? My circumstances. This season of life. Tell me."

It's not how it works is it?

Revelation. Healing. Truth. It doesn't come necessarily when I think it should.

The longing for it is good. I need a compass, a north star to guide my days. Hope, dreams, discernment for the future are important.

Yet...yet... (drumroll please)

It's not about what is coming, understanding and knowing where I'm going and what's ahead.

It'd about f a i t h, trusting in what I don't yet see, and receiving today, as today, that's enough.

Being in the now.

Enjoying the IS.

Being present to the moment and finding i n s p i r a t i o n is right now!

God is in the moment.

And he wants me as I am. In the IS. Not worrying about the what will be?

Blank screen filled. (:

Friday Arts: Beauty from Ashes

2010-09-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

I like this piece a lot because I had actually water-colored that rose right after my mission trip to Slovakia when I was down and out. It was a way to quiet my mind. I later cut it out and added it to this multi-medium piece.

Enjoy and have a great weekend!

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD's Favor

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a] ² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,
³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.
⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
       and restore the places long devastated;
       they will renew the ruined cities
       that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
       foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the LORD,
       you will be named ministers of our God.
       You will feed on the wealth of nations,
       and in their riches you will boast.
⁷ Instead of their shame
       my people will receive a double portion,
       and instead of disgrace
       they will rejoice in their inheritance;
       and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
       and everlasting joy will be theirs.
⁸ "For I, the LORD, love justice;
       I hate robbery and iniquity.
       In my faithfulness I will reward them
       and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
       and their offspring among the peoples.
       All who see them will acknowledge
       that they are a people the LORD has blessed."
¹⁰ I delight greatly in the LORD;
       my soul rejoices in my God.
       For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
       and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
       as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
       and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
       and a garden causes seeds to grow,
       so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
       spring up before all nations.

Catching My Bearings

2010-09-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

Anytime I've traveled overseas or gone on a long vacation, I feel out of whack the first few days I'm back. I start unpacking the moment I get home, go shopping, and start nesting right away. I will often comment to a roommate looking in on my queer and rather overly efficient behavior with, "I'm just trying to catch my bearings."

I feel unsettled and I don't like it one bit.

So what do you do when your heart is trying to catch it's bearings and it can't?

That's how I felt last week.

Like all the things that normally kept it grounded and safe came undone. I felt like a weary traveler trying to get back home yet finding herself wandering farther and farther away.

Two potential job doors were closed, a friendship felt tense, and financial strains seemed like they were never going to lift.

Despair knocked.

Dread became my morning alarm clock.

And regardless of prayer, right thinking, and good friend pep talks my heart felt--sad.

It's a sadness that's familiar. A sadness that's ebbed in and out of my 20s and 30s and become a familiar friend, or rather foe. This isn't the kind of "good sadness" that beckons my heart home. Nor the kind that invites out my grief to be more fully enveloped with love. Rather this is the kind that draws me inward--despair, anxiety, darkness, dread.

d e p r e s s i o n.

a n x i e t y.

They were back.

Companions I had hoped were long gone. Truth is they have ever so slowly been pushing their way back in the past few months. You see it's not like I feel this way every day (which is why I second guess their presence) but last week they came visiting with a vengeance.

I prayed. I renounced. I excercised.

They stayed.

You see back in March, I decided it was a good time to begin tapering off my meds to see if my brain had rebalanced chemically and physiologically things were back in order.

Apparently not.

Now a lot of this is a mystery to me--how much is circumstances? how much is the battle of my mind? how much is warfare? how much is stress? how much is physiological?

And quite frankly, I just don't know.

I only know my threshold when it's crossed and last week it was, which I now know from experience doesn't get better but only goes deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

It's humbling. Because I don't have all the answers. I only know what I know up until this point. I don't want to be the national spokesperson on anxiety & depression yet I feel as though staying quiet about it isn't the answer either.

So I'm going back on my meds. I don't know for how long or where this new trail on the journey will lead, but I do know...

He still loves me.

p.s. If you feel like no matter what you do the darkness keeps getting darker and it's harder and harder to function and take hold of hope and you feel less and less like "yourself," please consider the physiological aspects to depression and call a doctor. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and things will change.

Happy Labor Day!

2010-09-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

I actually labored today but am off now and am going to go enjoy the rest of my day.

Feeling refreshed from my wobbly week and will share more later.

Now time to go read a little Anne Shirley or watch my favorite "peaking in on fall" movie You've Got Mail.

How did you spend your Labor Day Weekend?

Wobbly

2010-08-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

feeling a little wobbly

on the inside

this means less energy for my blog

but life being produced, from the inside out

only right now it's gestating and forming

these things take time

hard pressed conditions

uncomfortable circumstance

and no, i don't like it

but i will walk it, little by little, day by day

whatever feels a little wobbly (or OK a lot wobbly)

let's step into it together, trusting in the Presence of the One

who not only sustains life but births it, making all things new!

Friday Arts: Sanctus Real, Get's Real

2010-08-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

Today's featured artists are the band Sanctus Real. I was introduced to them through Mocha Club. I do some volunteering for Mocha Club every now and then and it just so happens Sanctus Real has been one of the sponsoring artists at both events.

This fall at their show, out of all the songs they performed from their new album,

my heart did a double take when the lead singer, Matt Hammitt, introduced the song "Lead Me." His vulnerability and courage were refreshing as he shared about his own struggles and sin as a husband and father. He modeled true strength as he openly confessed his weakness and told a story so many relate with.

Music not only transports us and articulates the human soul in a way few things can but it has the ability to call something greater forth in us....Sanctus Real did this with "Lead Me."

What I love about the song is the picture it paints of a wife's tender strength in calling her husband out of hiding believing he has what it takes to lead her and the family.

Lovely and powerful!

Listen in and enjoy. Have a great Friday! (I'll paste the lyrics below).

Air 1 - Sanctus Real "Lead Me" LIVE from Air 1 Radio on Vimeo.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Upcoming Retreat: Sept 17-19 Slots Still Open!

2010-08-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

Learning to Love the Master Retreat:

Developing the Spiritual Discipline of Remembering

You have a story.

And before you had a story,

He had The Story, with you in mind.

Come, away. . .

Rest awhile. . .

Quiet yourself. . .

Learn to hear His voice. . .

Feel the rustle of His garments. . .

See the imprints of His hand. . .

Develop “eyes to see, and ears to hear” (I John 1:3)

the Master Storyteller’s message to you,

written through the pages of your life.

Experience the profound ways He’s always been

at work writing your love story, releasing you into the joy

of telling His story through you,

His precious child.

LEARNING TO LOVE THE MASTER: THE RETREAT

opens your eyes to the specific ways God has been involved in your life...

often before you knew He existed. This group retreat creates silence and solitude

to listen and learn to hear the voice of God. Mornings begin with teaching and continue

with quiet times of reflection and journaling, asking, “God, where were you in the pages

of my life? What were you saying? What were you doing?” Each day ends sharing the story God is revealing in community. You’ll learn how to hear more clearly the voice of God over the other voices that get in the way.

If you’re longing for deeper intimacy with God, come, Learn to Love the Master...and just how much He loves you!

NOTE: LLM is unlike most retreats in that if you come late or have to miss a session,

it will significantly affect you and the rest of the groups experience.

Please plan to come the whole time.

DATES, COST, & LOCATION: September 17 (we begin promptly at 7pm) to Sept 19th (we will end around 4pm) We have a beautiful condo at Sierra Summitt! Cost: $140 which includes lodging, food, retreat manual, honorarium (travel and gas is on your own but we will most likely carpool)

SLOTS ARE LIMITED, TO REGISTER CONTACT ME:

Susie Shaw 805.294.9102

suzshaw@gmail.com

www.susieshawsoulcare.com

Unexpected Turns

2010-08-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have sensed since January God's movement in my life to share more of my story. Like I've said before, the best way I know how to do this is my book and the speaking opportunities that may come from it (and of course the day in day out opportunities life affords me).

Last week I heard my marching orders yet again. Therefore, I decided to post the first chapter online through a video series (people, that was vulnerable! I actually scheduled it to post and then unscheduled it because of the thoughts pervading my mind--was this for His glory or mine? What future author would tell the story rather than sell the story? I wanted to know where this was going if I shared? He wanted me to have faith in the unknown).

In the end, I decided to post anyway.

And I'm glad I did. Somehow my stuff being "out there" moved something "in here" (insert Susie circling heart region).

It made it REAL.

The possibilities REAL.

The story REAL.

And you, fellow travelers on this faith journey, REAL.

And now I face an impasse on the road. What is the next step in telling His story in me?

I never set out to write a book, yet God burned this message in me. First and foremost for me, but like we know, God always multiplies His fruit beyond what we could ever imagine! (It's especially hard to believe good will come when we're in the thick of it...when He's pruning rather painfully to produce it).

And so, alas, this week I find myself pondering--Lord, how do I steward this message? Where are we in the unveiling process? (and it is quite a process as He builds my character to sustain His entrustment).

I have had some really helpful and positive feedback from agents on my manuscript. Honestly I was giddy inside that they even thought I could write. I love their valuable insights and ability to create a better product. It seems I could never forge this path without a mighty team of people.

And yet, yet....

I find myself asking (quite unexpectedly) is this my route? I guess I just always assumed it was...write a book + find an agent + land a publishing house = book produced. What I'm learning (HUGE learning curve people!) is the publishing industry is much more in flux than that....social media, technology, ebooks, personal networks...the tide is shifting. Is it my time to shift as well?

Yes, I would like the affirmation and attention the traditional route affords me, not to mention the collaborative opportunities. BUT this will take years to build---I'm guessing I'll need roughly 5000 people following me on twitter or interested in hearing me speak before I'd be considered by a publishing house (this is just a guess based on my research).

And so I'm left pondering....is there a new route opening up?

Perhaps unexpected but right for me.

Self-publishing.

Putting "her" out there and letting it ride (however things unfold).

It's a new way of thinking about it, and I'm still not sure, but you know what? It makes me excited!

Excited because I can hit the road running (make my revisions, get an editor, design the cover, pick a self-publishing production house and get her out there to you!). It also requires me to believe ultimately in the message of our story--that His story is enough--His life in me--not the accolades of agents and publishers. (I am not saying this is bad for others whatsoever, I'm just curious about what He may have for me given my story and what he's in the process of redeeming).

I don't know? These are my most recent musings about "her".

What do you think?

Last Pages

2010-08-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

I know these excerpts have been longer than my usual blog but I hope hearing a little of my story is meeting you in yours.

The early portion of this book looks bleak (as the confusing backdrop or mundaneness of our day-to-day stories often do). Yet... His ways are not our ways; He is more comfortable with discomfort, patient with the process, gradual with his revelation, and poignant in his timing with truth for glory.

Listen in on these last pages of chapter one and know this is NOT the end of the story, just the disheveled beginnings of something He alone makes
B R E A T H T A K I N G !

Friday Arts: F.C. Shaw of Sherlock Academy Series

2010-08-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

This is her debut novel

Well I am quite giddy about this week's guest artist. It is none other than my beautiful, creative, and inspiring sister-in-law, Farah Shaw (otherwise known as FC Shaw), and her book series, Sherlock Academy!

The way I recently described her series to a friend is, "think Harry Potter only sorcery is replaced with mystery. Sherlock Academy reintroduces readers to the wonderful world of Holmes & Watson and a new generation of crime solving sleuths--and a quirky lot of folks they are!"

Now, here's a little more about the lovely author.


Farah and my brother visited London last spring for research.

FC Shaw has been writing stories since she was eight years old. While she pursued teaching as a career, it was always her secret wish to write and publish someday. With the encouragement of her husband, she pursued her secret wish. Last summer, she debuted with her first children’s mystery Sherlock Academy. This summer she introduced her sequel called Watson’s Case. This children’s mystery series is geared for middle readers (ages 8-11 years old). FC Shaw is currently writing the third book in the series and is busy with author visits at elementary schools.

The most recent addition to the series

For more information on Sherlock Academy and FC Shaw, visit her website www.sherlockacademy.com or email her at sherlockacademy@yahoo.com

Chapter 1: Desolation (continued)

2010-08-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

This is a different way of approaching my book and makes it all very real. Hope it's meeting you in some way.

Remember it always gets darker before the dawn! (Even I'm listening and going, oh my goodness this poor girl. Lol!)

Chapter 1: Desolation

2010-08-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

Never thought I'd be doing this on a blog but...away we go!

Brokenhearted: Prologue

2010-08-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

This week we're gonna get some tid-bits from my working manuscript. Not sure how much I will share but I hope in sharing a bit of it Jesus breathes life and hope into your journey. Have a good one!

Friday Arts: Tanya's Layers

2010-08-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Today's Friday Arts guest blogger is my roommie Tanya. Enjoy her work!

Me as an artist:

I have never taken an art class but enjoy painting and mixing colors together. When I began painting I mainly did flowers and recently I have started painting beach scenes and symbolic items. These two painting are examples of my most recent types of paintings.

Hammocks beach scene:

This painting is a very relaxing one. I spent two years living in Mexico City and each year I spent a week in the state of Oaxaca at the beach towns. This painting takes me back to the weeks I spent in Oaxaca because we often took naps in hammocks while enjoying the sounds of the ocean.

Symbolic Crown:

There are a few hidden words and two verses that were my inspiration for this painting. The verses are Philippians 2:5-11 and Hebrews 4:16. A few of the words are "dreams" "hope" and "ability." The thought behind the painting is that of laying all the things in my life that I would be proud of or want to wear symbolically as a crown before the Lord. It causes me to remember that ultimately Jesus is the one who gave up all the power and rights that he was given when He walked on the earth and became nothing so that we could receive grace and mercy whenever we need it.

Majestic & Mundane: Yes, this is life.

2010-08-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hi Gang! Too tired to write today. Here's another video blog (o;

Not forgotten

2010-08-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

hi bloggin world.

you are not fogotten, just delayed.

ahhhhh....yawn....it's been a long week for this girl.

lovely, but long.

new niece.

trip to l.a.

trip back from l.a.

starbucks.

adding another part-time job.

workin' the weekend.

love you all but...

ahhhhhhhhh....this girl is going to sleep.

friday arts will return next week.

hope you all enjoy a restful weekend.

i am sabbathing from friday at 3 til saturday at 3...join me.

ahhhhh....night.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING...

2010-08-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

Emma Rose Ahlgren
5lbs 9oz
19.25 inches
Born August 2nd, 2010 at 10:50pm

PRICELESS.

Friday Arts: Michael's Doodles

2010-07-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

Meet my brother, Michael.

Last week I was visiting my brother Michael and sister-in-law Farah at their home in Santa Maria. As we were all chatting in their office, Michael was about his usual antics... fiddling here and there, finding this and that, and doing yet another creative project (there are usually several happening at once).

As I was talking to Farah I began to laugh out loud as I caught my brother out of the corner of my eye, "Farah, I wish you could have seen Michael when he was a little boy. Just picture him exactly how he is only smaller." We looked over at him sitting on the floor, cutting out papers, organizing photos, and taping fervently on a frame board. "Just picture that only 5 years old, with X-men cartoon playing and a couple of chocolate chip granola bars nearby."

All that to say, I have said and will forever go on record as saying, my brother Michael R. Shaw is a creative genius! He teaches, writes, paints, sketches, designs, had a blog before blogs were cool, publicizes, creates plays....

That said, he is our artist pick for this Friday. Hope you enjoy his fantastic doodles as much as I do. You can follow him (and his wide variety of "doodles" at www.igmasterw.blogspot.com, go back and read some of his entries when he was writing more...hysterical. And his movie reviews dead-on.)

I picked a random grouping of characters. Go to the blog to meet a lot of other random peeps! (I feel you could spend hours making up short stories about each one).

To KILL a Mockingbird

2010-07-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

Yea, don't oooo and ahhhh at the cute little birdy. Good riddens!

For weeks now right around dinner time, let's call her Maggie the Mockingbird, taunts, scrutinizes, and discriminately gocks at our poor little neighborhood cat, Olive

Little "Olive" (as we like to call her, we don't know her real name) makes her way around our house about once a day. I assume her owners are somewhere nearby? But there's something about her demeanor that begs the question, "Are you loved?"

She lingers around and quietly makes her way near me and something about this little thing beckons me, "Acknowledge her."

Now I am not a cat lover, but little Olive has won her way into my heart.

And that is why I am indignant at this Maggie the Mockingbird and her taunting. I wish I had a video of it for you. She just sort of hovers around Olive, finds a tree limb nearby, and cackles "Goooooooock! Goooooock! Mwwwwwaaaaa! Gooooock!!! Mwwwwwwaaaaa!!!"

How does poor little Olive ever find rest or reprieve with all that obnoxious chatter!?

And so today, I HAD FINALLY HAD IT! When I got home from my walk and saw this interaction happening yet again, I sauntered over to that tree branch and yelled, "STOP IT! Leave her alone. You cannot torment her like this anymore!" (I even claimed it in the name of Jesus I was so rowelled up!)

And then I went over to little cowering Olive and said, "Now Olive you can't let her treat you like this! This is not OK. Fight back girl!"

Now, moments later as I type, I notice the mocking has finally quieted. I do hope Maggie has flown far, far away never to return (but sadly I'm guessing she will, tomorrow, at just the right time). And I wonder now about Olive, why day after day she lets Maggie attack her? How a big cat like her can be taunted by such a punitive little bird? I wonder about her life at home and what she's seen and heard since she was a kitty. What are her owners like? Do they feed her well, rub her belly, and cuddle up against her in the wee hours of the night? Or is she used to the cackling, feeling small and neglected?

And then things becomes clear.

Really clear.

Olive is not unlike you and I.

Why day after day do we listen to the mocking voices in our head? Agree with them? Why do we again and again cower in fear and agree with the gocking lies of the enemy? Why we don't rise up and take our place?

But as I think about it more and how I felt about Olive I realize how we too need our advocates. Someone (most the time more than one) who steps in the gap and says NO MORE! Who fights for us to prevail and not let the Mockingbird win! Who exposes the distortions, puts the punitive bird in it's proper place, and ushers our hearts home to their rightful place nestled with Him.

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we^[c] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. (Ephesians 6: 10-13)

For all you Olives, you are not alone. Take your place. Let's stand! We can do this together.

Beautiful Discomfort

2010-07-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

Things have been, well, hard.

Yesterday I texted a friend, which forced me to put it into words, "I feel hard hit on every side." Which reminded me of another place I heard those words, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." Paul writes this to the Corinthian church normalizing their experience. But he doesn't stop there (the gospel never stops there) rather he offers kingdom perspective.

Do you hear the H O P E in Paul's words?

⁶For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"^[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.¹¹For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.¹²So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
¹³It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."^[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence.¹⁵All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

He's letting us know, "Yes, yes, this IS kingdom life. Not easy, the same 'life' experiences everyone else has...BUT Jesus, his life, his good news, his hope, his vision, his presence, THAT, that carries you through. His life will come...do you believe?"

And you know what? In times like this I'm not sure I really do.

Two years ago when I said "Yes Lord" to leaving full-time ministry, my home, community, and life as I knew it in Orange County, I had NO IDEA what i was signing up for? I knew a couple things: 1) I needed to know what it was like to work and get paid a wage and 2) to see if "Susie full time minister" was the same as "Susie, on her own with no one telling her what to think and believe" would be one and the same.

And that's about all I knew. I got a job with Starbucks, moved to SLO, and became a nanny "until a full time job emerged."

And then a year and a half into it the unexpected happened, not a job, rather an injury.

At 6am Thanksgiving morning I turned in bed and WHAM, my back went out. Excruciating pain and discomfort followed.

A long story short I went on disability for a month, resigned from nannying, and entered 2010 going, "WHAT?"

What just happened? What now?

Nannying made things work here?

No nannying=just getting by $

I could go on but that's not the point, it's just the backdrop.

In the midst of it all (and on my good days) I see God fighting for something beautiful in me. Like He's saying, "Susie, don't forget the greater story. Don't forget our plans together. Don't let the crisis rule but let my kingdom come."

See, I get all panicky, fearful, the "fix me, fix this mess" false gospel rules and I miss it. Rather, I miss Him.

"Honey, what's changed? I have been and always will be your provider."

And it seems these discomforts beckon me. And, well, expose me.

Who or what am I really trusting in? Who do I think I need to become to earn comfort and care? All my false narratives and lies show their ugly face... and sweet grace meets me.

"None of this is new to me. I see it all, Beloved. I just long for you to know me in this, to see me as I really am, not as your lies and distortions tell you. My life is available to you. Yes, even here."

I am hard pressed on every side, but learning the beautiful discomfort of trusting Jesus with all of me. Amidst something I deem "a mess," he perhaps sees as an invitation to trust. Trusting in a kingdom that is not like this earth, where dreams often take longer to be fulfilled but are better than we could ever hope for or imagine (Hebrews 11). Where money doesn't always feel abundant, but provision comes with unexpected graces and bounty. Where new life is being birthed amidst unforeseen difficulties and uncertainties (my niece is set for arrival this week).

And again love beckons me...trust. With eyes not of this world, but a heart that believes I AM.

I didn't write a blog...

2010-07-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

I had a blog in mind but I won't get to it today...
Instead, I got to talk with a friend.
One of my bestest friend's.
Fear and self-doubt were my companions, until her call.
Chattering away in my mind, beckoning me to stay.
Until she rang.
One in whom Christ dwells.
Confession, prayer, surrender, renewed hope.
A clearing, amidst the fog.
A companion on the journey.
A reminder of grace and speaker of truth.
Thank you friend.

Friday Arts: Matt Wertz

2010-07-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't really featured a musician yet so I thought this would be fun for Friday Arts.

I was introduced to our artist of the day, Matt Wertz, by these guys.

Good stuff.

So much so that we decided to go see him live.

We caught his show in Orange County.

And I got to meet him.

Nice guy.

I was especially interested in a song he had called "That for You" (which, ladies, kinda sums it all up that a guy can never be that for us. God wants that position.) We got to talk a bit about that and I told him I wanna put it in the book. It's in the chapter about dismantling the idol of a man.

Ok back to Matt's music.

Since that show I've become a fan of his work and a charity for Africa he and other artists promote (see my blog sidebar for Mocha Club: Wonderful & Practical).

On that note, I think he is a great summer listen. He even has a whole album "Under the Summer Sun" that you should be blasting on those trips up Highway 1 and on the 101 .

Now get off the internet and back to the beach....Enjoy!

And here's the one I mentioned, "That for You"

New Territory

2010-07-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Today I went on a walk just like any other day.

I do it to balance my mind, exercise my wonky back, and b r e a t h e.

But today there was an increased awareness as I walked.

Move in a new direction.

Not the same ol', same ol'.

Why not journey out?

And it got me thinking...why do I like to go the same route almost every single day?

I do love Murray Street with its Southern-like trees, the beautifully restored homes of Broad, and the little nooks and crannies of Lincoln.

Yet it's all so . . . predictable.

Beautiful.

Enjoyable.

But familiar.

Chartered.

Which got me thinking...walk a different way and see where it takes you.

Not predictable.

Different.

Unfamiliar.

Exciting.

I know it seems silly, just a little walk.

But I've learned enough of how this Kingdom Life works to know there are parables, stories of sorts, unfolding everywhere (if we open an ear to listen).

And today, I think I did it!

I ventured out.

I saw new homes.

Unexpected sites.

Mundane little things.

And special new spots.

And I thought, safety has her place but adventure is what I long for.

Unchartered beauty, lessons, and graces.

Entering new territory, encountering types of home.

Unchartered land.

New winding paths to discover.

Ahhh...sweet surrender, I'm learning to like you more.

The Maze

2010-07-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

Muddled.

Messy.

Inadequate.

Afraid.

How can you use a girl like me?

I feel so desperate,

for more of Thee.

A maze of souls,

I walk through blind,

to seeing the path,

You want me to find.

I hit a wall,

and turn around,

“I should have known,”

a contemptuous frown.

But what if the wall

was part of the plan?

to redirect

and hold your hand?

To give up

and let go,

to figuring out

what only you can know?

Participation; not getting it right.

Learning and growing

as we wade through souls,

Whose transformation

only You can hold.

Designer of the maze,

O can’t you see?

the bushes and vines

that entangle me?

Chop them away,

cut them through,

(or perhaps they’re part

of Your plan too?)

Just, please, release me

to follow You.

Meet me at the walls,

dead ends,

and turns,

Guide me through,

The One Who Sees,

As I hold Your hand . . .

The end.

An opening

A new direction to go . . .

Muddled.

Still messy.

Inadequate for sure.

But Love giving me courage

to help me see,

“Inadequate yes,

but Beloved My love

transforms thee.”

Monday...

2010-07-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Monday...

You are, now, almost through.

I awoke to you because He woke me. (mmm... and I had to pee and I couldn't fall back down).

So I prayed, and thanked, and read (yes, this is rare indeed at 6am before work).

Thank you Monday. You have been better than most.

Here's to the week: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and my favorite days of all Saturday & Sunday.

Wondering what you have? Who will come my way? Whether fear will be my guide or the sweet kindness of You?

So welcome week. How ya' do?

Friday Arts: Guess What? I Met a Great Artist in Tahoe

2010-07-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Let me attempt to create the illusion for you that my family is a yuppy, highly-refined, artistic bunch. Well one word out of three works...

We are artistic.

And so everytime we go to Tahoe we go visit a lovely little gallery at Stateline.

They happen to carry some amazing pieces and the gallery never seems to disappoint.

Enter John Mark Gleadow.

BRILLIANT!? Right! Books...books...and books. Look how flawless it looks! Like a photo. This is just one piece, he has dozens! (and a special one my sister-in-law and bro bought but that's their story to tell).

We were all intrigued by his work--the simplicity yet brilliance of it! (and by simple I DO NOT mean easy rather the simple beauty of how it juxtaposes fine art, story, and nostalgia).

So please check out his work www.johnmarkgleadow.com

He's a humble guy and while talking to him it slowly leaked out that what makes his work even more extraordinary is (ready for this?) he is colorblind.

Yea, you heard me right. He went to school for engineering and mid-education switched to fine art. (I am telling the back story here to set you up for my theory about his unique skill set). The way he is able to create accurate shades is by creating a grid on his pallet, thus perfecting where to go for what color. That said, I still think it's a modern day miracle! You'll see as you look at the vibrancy of color in his work.

So now I'm curious...if you could commission John Mark to do a painting for you what 7 books would you pick?

Living A Better Story

2010-07-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

I want to live a better story.

Don't you?

God has done a lot in my story but sometimes I feel, well, stuck.

Like right now.

I need help.

A friend.

A guide.

Someone who's walking a little further ahead and has some things to share.

Enter Don Miller's Seminar.

The Lord has really used this fella in my life since the New Year (starting with reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years)... something about the courage in which he's going after life and trusting in God's strength to write a better story.

Don is doing a whole weekend seminar/workshop where I can get away and "rethink" my story and get some guidance to clear out some of the fog on the path lately. I could win a free trip up with a friend to attend the conference, stay at a swanky hotel (and we all know how I feel about nice hotels), get a gift (com'mon people doesn't this sound created for yours truly?)

This blog is my submission, per se. I did an impromptu little "video blog" about why I hope to go:

What I didn't say is I have some of the vision, I just don't know how to get there, hence, why I said "stuck" oodles and oodles of times (I did say it was impromptu... external processing people for the whole freggin' blogging world to see?!).

I believe I have a message of hope and healing to share with people (especially women) that will release them to deeper intimacy with God and greater clarity to experience the Kingdom. My soul care, workshops, and speaking times truly help people fall more in love with the Lord and the by-product is partnering with Him to see who they are in the Kingdom and what they bring of him as an image bearer to the everyday world. (Ironic isn't it? I still struggle with this so much and yet this is what He has imparted in me to share).
I want to mentor mentors (so they'll stay in the game and more free to love).
I have a manuscript (working title Brokenhearted: The Unexpected Journey to Mending Our Souls) and I want to get it published. I have a story that lends itself to helping other people look in on theirs and experience transformation and love for God (by the way, I am no Don Miller but I skimmed a bit of Father Fiction and saw Don dialogues with his mentor the way I do in my book which made me feel, well, good).
I love to speak (it's a weird deal, but I feel God's pleasure and pursuit profoundly as I do it), I just struggle building the network and people to talk with now that I'm not working for a big name christian ministry.
I want to build a retreat center and/or team that travels (with a few compadres) where pastors, leaders, lay people, and missionaries can come for respite. I truly believe these are often the forgotten ones. I long for them to experience: a safe place to get away in nature (or cozy up if they are a film chick like yours truly), a guided time to reflect on their stories, quaint nooks and crannies for time with God and each other, soul care & healing, refreshment....

I have bits and pieces of the dream but I struggle getting there, knowing timing, how to go about it, wrestling with still being single (and always thinking this is something I would share in with my husband and in some ways don't feel totally capable to do without him. And if not him, who would the team be besides Linds and Elizabeth?),...

When I left full-time ministry I did it with courage and a deep abiding sense, "This is the way, walk in it..." Now two years later I'm re-evaluating. I love living near my family but feel stuck with very few job opportunities to make it work. I am working part-time at SBUX but desperately in need of some financial stability all the while living in the tension of the "bigger story" that's been revealed to me (well, a little here and a little there).

So this is a little window as to why I want to go and feel primed for it. Hoping the conference may be a turning point and help get some things rolling.

Now enough about me. Here's how Donald describes it:

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Go to www.donmilleris.com/conference to register! It's selling out, so hurry...

Hopefully we'll meet there.

p.s. gotta work on those rolling eyes (o; and sorry for the lame voice quality ~)o;

The Gospel according to Cassidy & Chris

2010-07-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

I just spent a week away with my niece and nephew in Tahoe. Now I LOVE Tahoe. It's majestic there. Vast mountains, crystal clear waters, pine scent wafting everywhere.

But what I really love is it affords me 7 whole days with my niece and nephew.

Priceless.

I often think on times away like this, God arranges little events and moments to create a parable of sorts for me to really "get it." The way He sees, feels, and loves me.

On the trip, my nephew Chris kept creating little adventurous scenarios for us, "Auntie Sue....the shadooooows. The GIANT," grabbing his red flashlight in tow and my hand we scurry off to find the giant and destroy him...together. He wants me to come along but what he really wants is to be the hero and save me.

My niece Cassidy has a delightful curiosity and such a kind disposition about her you can't help but want to bottle her up. Seriously. I could use a dose of her awe, wonder, and joyful delight every now and then (ok hourly).

When I walk in the room it seems there is this boundless delight of, "Suuuuuuuuuuuusie....oh (cuddle, cuddle)." It never gets old. All I want to do is get away with her and enter her world, regardless of what that involves: watching Toy Story II (once, twice, ok 7 times!), playing a game, swimming for hours in the pool, even sleeping...I just want to be with her. See how she's experiencing her world--What she likes. What she doesn't. Things she's excited about. Afraid of.

It's rather mysterious and mundane the whole exchange. Like something in me realizes on one level this is about an auntie with her niece and nephew having fun, but on another level a significant kingdom transference is taking place.

The vertical relationship takes me up to the horizontal...Ohhhhhh, this is what YOU feel, Lord. This is how you see us. And how much you long for me to "just be" with you, share my life with you, and know how much I'm loved.

And I miss it.

A lot.

You long to sit with me. Listen to me. Talk to me. Share in it with me.

All those feelings I feel towards those kiddos. The generosity in my heart to give to them abundantly (and when I don't, like telling them it's time for bed, it's because I think it's best for them). The delight when each decides to spend time with me or wants me to share in something their doing. The gift of getting to watch them learn and grow.

You feel those things toward me.

It never ceases to astound me.

Probably because I so often get it wrong. I miss his generous, gracious, simple devotion to sharing life with me. I am so caught up in "Do you have a job for me? Where is this story going? Tell me what's next." I miss the Giver. He's got it taken care of--my focus on the urgent, keeps me from the now...Him. Not only does he see my urgent, He's got it taken care of...everything that's His is mine...and how much he longs for me to curl up in his lap and believe it."

"A father is delighted when his little one, leaving off her toys and friends, runs to him and climbs into his arms. As he holds his little one close to him, he cares little whether the child is looking around, her attention flitting from one thing to another, or just settling down to sleep. Essentially the child is choosing to be with her father, confident of the love, the care, the security that is hers in those arms. Our prayer is much like that. We settle down in our Father's arms, in his loving hands. Our mind, our thoughts, our imagination may flit about here and there; we might even fall asleep; but essentially we are choosing for this time to remain intimately with our Father, giving ourselves to him, receiving his love and care, letting him enjoy us as he will. It is very simple prayer. It is very childlike prayer. It is prayer that opens us out to all the delights of the kingdom." (Brennen Manning, Ragamuffin Gospel)

"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." (John 6:35)

Vacation Break

2010-07-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!

This girl is taking a bloggin' break.

A vacation to Lake Tahoe beckons me. . .

Be back in a week!

Happy 4th of July!

Friday Arts: Art that looks so good you just might wanna eat it!

2010-07-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Today we have a special guest blogger, Lindsay Snyder. Besides being one of my best friends, Lindsay is a beautiful soul with a knack for food! (see why I keep her around...smile). Truly she embodies the phrase "food for your soul." You can follow her blog at www.lindsaysoulfood.wordpress.com

This strawberry pie is my most recent masterpiece. My own piece of art, and it was delicious!

My name is Lindsay. I love to cook and bake. It's always been a favorite past time of mine. Just being in the kitchen provides such a creative outlet for me.

I'm not sure when my love for food started. I think it's always been there and I know it's always been growing, especially this past year. I didn't realize how significant cooking, baking and creating was for me until I was unable to do it these past few weeks. I was busy, I'd been traveling and was unable to get into the kitchen. I really missed it. I was finally able to get back into the kitchen today, which is why I created this pie, and it felt like I was home. When I am creating in this way, it just feels right.

For me, it all brings great joy to my soul. I believe this is the way God's created me. I love getting to plan and prepare new dishes. I also enjoy getting to bless others with what I create. More than anything, this is what truly brings me the most joy, allowing others to be blessed by the work of my hands.

A few months ago I decided to create a blog. It's called soul food. (www.lindsaysoulfood.wordpress.com)

I created it because I want to share my adventures on this journey with food with others in hopes of both inspiring and encouraging. I encourage you to take a peek at my blog. I hope you like it!

p.s. the recipe is on Lindsay Lou's blog

My Social Media Break

2010-06-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Last week I took a break from Facebook & Twitter. It wasn't this huge, gallant move to unearth the deep, dark reality of what lurks underneath my soul with these outlets... Rather I just noticed I was spending a lot of time checking them and posting and, quite frankly, it felt like a relief to not do them.

Now,a week later here are some things I observed:

I believe some things on my heart are there not for the keeping but to be shared. I missed doing that, BUT in the same regard I kinda liked turning off the pressure to always have something to say. Or pretend my life is more exciting than it really is.
Honestly some of the reason I even went on Twitter is to build a following. Plain and simple. Yes, I have things to share but I'm not sure I would if it were not for a certain book that's been gestating in me for years and wants to come out. In order for that to happen, publishers and agents look for my "platform." Is there an audience of people who want to listen to what I have to say? Twitter is a place to network and share with others "the message" so to speak. And I've been blessed to connect with people I never would have had I not have began fluttering about on Twitter.
I have more free time than most right now because I only work 25 hours or so at Starbucks. During this transition time looking for a job, "social networking" is a nice filler (sometimes it feels like the world is at my fingertips and anythings possible). Maybe I'll be "discovered"?
I don't have a hand-held device, therefore social media is a sit down event for me. I think this can take away from the "in the moment" fun of it.
The time I spend on Twitter & Facebook often feels like community but I think a better word is connection (Anne Jackson at Flowerdust.net distinguished it this way and I agree). I've made a lot of connections through these forums but they cannot replace human interaction, individual or communal.
My life in SLO is still new to me and I miss the life-on-life interactions I experienced in Orange County. My community there knew me well. They had a lot of insight into my life story and God's dreams for my life, so just being in these friends presence helped remind me of who I am and where I'm going. I miss that, a lot. Here that is still being built, and it may never quite be what life in the OC was, and so sometimes I feel lonely with a lot of time on my hands. In that time, I can acquiesce to curling up with my computer. When really being out with people or grabbing coffee with an acquaintance may be the better decision.

The week away was good. I think sometimes we need to step back from something to see what's going on for us when we do it. Not judging it but just being open to learning and adjusting from what we learn.

And here's what I took away...

I have no intention of leaving Facebook or Twitter, rather I'm making a shift in my heart. I want to spend more time majoring in face to face relationship and being available to others, and then minor on social media. When I "tweet" or "post" I want it to be the overflow of everything else going on in my life, not the thing to make my life seem interesting.

Thanks everyone for letting me ramble and think this through "out loud."

How has Facebook & Twitter been for you?

Let them eat cake! (Birthday Bash)

2010-06-28T15:24:00.001-07:00

I LOVE Cake!

So when it came time to plan my 29th birthday (again...funny how that happens), I knew exactly what I wanted...MADONNA INN CAKE! And not just one piece but SEVERAL pieces.

I was inspired by my friend's wedding. She got the Toffee Crunch Cake which was, seriously, out of this world! The toffee was airy, sweet goodness and blended perfectly with the fluffy, moist vanilla cake and whipped creme frosting.

We ordered 6 pieces!!!!

Toffee Crunch
Pink Champagne
Lemon Coconut
Carrot
Banana Nut
Black forrest (minus cherry... chocolate and cherries don't mix for this chica!)

My brother made a tally sheet for each one of us to grade the cake on a scale of 1 to 5. Appearance, overall taste, aftertaste, frosting/filling...and, as usual, the Shaws were not lacking opinions.

The overall winner was...

(drumroll)

Toffee Crunch Cake!!!

My mom rolled her eyes in sweet exstasy as she bit in and was reminded of her favorite Cadbury chocolate bar filling. A close second was...

Banana Nut... I know, it took us off guard!? But it was moist, flavorful, and delish! (Note: Katie decided upon returning home and eating more cake that Lemon Coconut was her favorite).

Of course Cass & I voted Pink Champagne #1 for appearance!

What truly made the night delightful was none other than...THE CASS!

Since the Madonna Inn was such a novelty to her, being her first time, she turned each corner of the hotel lobby with total giddy, shock and awe. SO MUCH PINK!!!

They even had a toilet and sink just her size! (um...other restaurants and public areas take note, this is a brilliant idea!)

Thanks Shaw Family for yet another memorable and special Birthday!

p.s. Guess what? That was not the end of it...Friday night was the Drive-In for Toy Story 3. Then Saturday I warmed a cinnamon roll from Old West Cinnamon Rolls in Pismo and read all my cards, got a pedicure (thanks to Kathy Luch) and played at the pool with Deb. I finished the day with the Seafood Feast (crab people...yummers) at Red Lobster with Mom, Dad, and Michael then headed to mis padres to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.

Seriously, this was a GOOD birthday! Thanks everyone for all the well wishes and love. My heart is FULL!